November 19th, 2009


Yankees Talk About Sex Toys*

Cousin Joe: The twenty-first century has reached the Northeast Kingdom.
T: I'll believe it when there's cell service.
Cousin Joe: The Vermont Country Store is offering marital aids now.
T: ...
Me: What's the "Vermont Country Store"?
T: Wholesome Yankee products for the wholesome Yankee home.
Cousin Joe: Or it used to be.
T: What's unwholesome about marital aids? Marriage! We believe in it! It's as American as apple pie.
Me: *does not make American Pie joke.*
T: *kicks me under the table anyway*
Cousin Joe: It has to be. Everybody else has given up on it.
T: Even the Quebecois.
Me: I would think resourceful Yankees would, you know. Improvise. Be resourceful.
Cousin Joe: We would. That's the problem--
T: Too many ER visits about that cell phone that won't come when you call it. So to speak. Practical Yankee says, "If we just provide people with a discreet way to shop for things with flanges--"
Me: They wouldn't have to make up some story about slipping in the shower and falling on their cell phone?
Cousin Joe: You know, if it were me, I would just 'fess up. You know, you'll get less hazing if you just walk--
T: --hobble--
Me: You can actually walk okay once it's all the way inserted. This is professional knowledge, not personal.
Cousin Joe: long as you're out there, would you bring me back another beer? --less hazing, as I was saying, if you just walk in and tell the admitting nurse "You know, I was trying to reach that special place and I kind of lost control of the situation. Next time I'll use something with a flared base."
Me: They might give you a sticker for being so brave and honest.
Cousin Joe: It's not so bad for you girls. You can just slide a cucumber into a condom, rock and roll, and be reasonably certain of getting it back.
T: Cucumbers are really too fat, by my lights. The cross section is a little hefty.
Me: And this year, with all the rain? They're huge.
Cousin Joe: Unless you use one of those skinny English ones.
T: Some of them have prickers. And they're kind of brittle.
Cousin Joe: And that is why the Vermont Country Store now offers vibrators. Safety first! It's the Yankee way.
T: Well, you know, in New England you can buy cock rings next to the condoms in CVS now.
Me: Really?
T: Only the rubber ones.
Cousin Joe: They're condom retainers. Stuff shrinks when it's cold.

*quoted with permission